10 people you don’t want to pitch your tent next to at a festival

Dont get stuck to these people at festivals

6 And while we're about it - the Portaloo. Do you really need to be told not to set your tent up next to the evil smelling blue water bog? I've seen it done though.(yes I know the portaloo isn't a person)

7 Anyone with children called Jocasta and/or Oliver. They'll spend the entire weekend shouting at Ollie to come and eat his fair trade hand rolled artisnal organic porridge before getting ever so slightly tipsy on a bottle of Schloer.Will also engage in loud conversations with their equally annoying neighbours about how hard it is to find a good nanny.

8 The artists. They don't want to talk to you, they just want to do their job. Stop pretending to be their mate and get a grip.

9 Hippies. The overwhelming smell of patchouli and henna will vie with an underlying tone of BO and piss because after all cavemen never used to shower did they? The realisation that the fuckwits are funding their summer of love festival activities using your hard earned taxes through the benefit system will eat you from the inside out for the next 18 months. You'll realise how horribly pointless it all is before selling your house and going to live on an old coal barge in the West Midlands.

10 Dog owners. A dog at a festival, Really? Dogs don't like festivals, they like to sleep on their owners bed whilst they are whiling away their remaining years doing their mindless job. In an effort to take revenge the put upon pooch will piss on it's neighbours tent and leave shit landmines in places most likely to get stood upon by drunk flip flop wearing music fans. Avoid.

Be careful which spot you choose in that lovely field in case you end up next to one of these lot

1 The Girls who are away from mum for the first time. They'll get hammered on Lambrusco and run around the field until 4am shouting 'oh my God' a lot.

2 The guy carrying a guitar case. For some reason this uncaring git thinks that you really want to hear him play Creep like a gorilla wearing an oven glove for the fortieth time that weekend.

3 Anyone who says 'We're mad we are'. They aren't mad. Just annoying. They'll do lots of crazy antics like a low budget version of Top Gear that will usually involve sexism, racism and any other type of ism that may be bad.

4 Single men in their forties. It's just weird is all.

5 Jeremy Paxman. Jezzer may seem all sweetness and light at the start but before long he'll be grilling you over your use of the portaloo and why you support quantitative easing in the UK economy. Git.

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