Government to act on Bagpipes


In a move designed to placate their supporters, sauces suggest that Home Secretary Theresa May is to lead a crackdown on Assault by Bagpipe.

Speaking today on the commons lawn an unnamed official stated that the government was sick of ethnically based musical instruments causing disruption in the home counties and that they were intending to present a bill to Parliament in the new year.

Assault by bagpipe is known to cause something in the region of 1 million people a year to be surprised or mildly alarmed when they are least expecting it.



Builder Jonny Buckand said that he'd been stunned to find a piper in the town centre where he wasn't expecting it. "I'm an easy going guy" he said "But the random skirl of the pipes when you're just choosing some Percy Pigs in Marks and Spencer isn't what you want, I mean think of the kids".

Professor Todd Trodd of Weymouth University told us that the problem was that there could be a piper playing anywhere. "Our studies suggest that unlike pianos or beds, bagpipes are very mobile and can be carried. This means that they can be played anywhere and at anytime. The results don't bear thinking about".

The government spokesman also made the link with national security suggesting that terrorists could use a set of pipes to disguise their stuff. "Theresa is very concerned that by allowing these people into the country we could be opening the floodgates. We believe that they earn money at New Year and weddings then spend the rest of the time on the dole, probably".

Piper Ewan McGregor however preferred to point out the good that pipe music does stating "awa' an baaal yer heed" we think.

The government is expected to put the bill before the commons in the spring, just after the "looking at me a bit funny arrest warrant order".


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